rachu i miss you

If you ask me as to how I feel about my wedding, I must tell you I have a very settling feeling inside. I feel at peace. I want to thank lord for bringing me close to my wife and making us meet and merge finally. I see it as a life full of love and bliss.
I want to live it in totality now. I’m not missing a single moment. There’s so much to life! There’s so much to be experienced. I feel like buying her things, loving her all the while and the love I see in her eyes for me is just so gratifying. It tells me that I have arrived, that I have finally found the companionship that I have been looking for. There’s loyalty, love and intelligence in the right proportions. Rachu, I love you.

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I love the way I love

I told her that we can’t be together anymore. She laughed mokingly wanting to add something to it but I had to put the phone down. I thank her for bringing me to feel the way I did all this while. I also thank her for making it so cheap by the end of it. The pain was tough and when it lasted. I came to rishikesh with no plans of travelling further & to add to the misery, the final word had to be spoken on my granny’s house’s terrace.
Now when its done, I felt like the mountain top dipped in grey clouds and no sun. I lacked all the enthusiasm I needed to make plans of travelling ahead.

A trip to a temple, a meeting with a pandit and then a walk that I requested from my cousin (she wanted us to take the car). My shaadi has been foretold and now was the time for a closer forecast. It was time for a closer forecast now. We began our walk by Ganga Ji and what started as a norma walk turned out to be a great learning experience. I was carrying the camera with me and was able to take some very interesting shots. The one I began with and that fired my imagination was when I caught a little boy looking down the river accompanied by his grandfather. It was only taken in a matter of 5 seconds and then the moment was gone. The kid figured that I was upto something, but I got my shot already and it was too late! I laughed feeling like I’ve won a bet! The trip somehow came up to me and I am going to the valley of flowers the day after. I’m so excited, the camera and I needed just the same time and place (s) to know each other, to make friends! I love the tele photo I have and want to thank dimri all the for making me buy this lense. It is my telescope!

I will be getting up early tomorrow and head to the ran jhula for some sunrise shots and some surreal pictures. I will watch peepli live in a local single screen theatre and then would visit some cafes with my cousin to see the hippie culture in a relapse mode. I just want to shout out so loud, I’m so excited!

No title seeked

This is the saddest first leg of a journey I’ve ever embarked upon. The train is pulling itself away from the Mathura Junction and towards Hazrat Nizamuddin Station. I’m alone but that’s how it has always been. But my mind isn’t. I feel that I’ve somehow let life take my decisions. After Premjit Singh at the university grounds, it is Saeed bhai who has helped me realize that it wasn’t just fate but some of my doings too that resulted in my being where I am today.

I couldn’t stand rejection and multiple rejections for no fault of mine steered me yet again away from a commited relationship. For a great part of my decision was forged in foreign furnaces. My family at home helped me pick or drop things. I feel cheated by my own mind. Speaking to Shahnawaz, I realized that I have to think from my very own point of view and face situations. Escapism can be a resort but I would be homesick soon & I know that! I have to give my 100 percent which the distances between the both of us hasn’t allowed us for.

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My own…

I always got my lessons from the family. Whatever that I do now have been more or less my own doings and learnings but I still look forward to their counsel when it comes to personal relationships or investments. In the midst of it all I seem to have lost objectivity and came on to borrowed conclusions one too many times. I somehow also know the fact that I’m a me-myself person. I have different goals in life. To me money still becomes the by product of what I like doing and would always like it to be like that. If one is ambitious, then it may just get extremely difficult for the person to stay on with me. My understanding and defination mostly may not be perfect and also may just be impractical, dreamy and silly.

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‘Writing in a dream’ or ‘Writing, a dream’?

Since the past two nights I’ve been dreaming about writing. And after my engagement broke, I’ve also strangely stopped thinking about the hefty EMI I’ve started paying on my new apartment I recently booked in Bombay’s western suburb.
The dreams are back & I’m happier now. I wish to be a full time writer. I also wish to have assignments that take me to different places around the world at anytime of my life. Its surely a different kind of love that I’ve known. The one with women involved still seems to be inaccesible and incomprehensible at this point of time.
Also overlapping the same point is my learning that I need that love right away but I think I’m bad at multi tasking.
I’d continue to write for my office magazine for now but would also try writing for this new entertainment portal, approach newspapers & magazine for accepting my write ups. I love photography and often wonder if it increases the chances of getting published? How does one approach these people? Does a personal rapport with the right people help? How do I dig what they want? I want to know it all. I shall now speak to the two friends I have in the PR to help me build a network. I will travel this year to Pakistan & then Turkey too! Looks like there’s a lot to be seen, lived and shared!

The Daily Guilt Dispatches

Its been a strange transition. All I can say is if ending my last relationship hasn’t perculated any wisdom, it surely reminded me of what an ugly bonsai I had almost turned into.

I was out with my younger brother for a trip to South Bombay without a feel that I’m leaving something or someone behind, without a feel that I was being unjust or cruel to anyone (no she lives in delhi and would not have made it anyway but who’s looking for logic). There was no guilt chasing me with limitless milege which turn my trips no matter what length into ghastly acts of self obsession.
Later in the evening, I tried engaging myself into other possibly interesting conversations but the void after her departing kept staring at me through words. I had to lie and finally keep the phone down to let it howl through my now dark and cool room while I take a nap wishing it away by the next morning.
I’m closer to my family than I ever was and even with my friends whom I hardly spoke to while I used my new phone to its optimum levels. Am I a better human being, I do not know but I sure am free from the daly guilt dispatches!

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A flight of pigeons

I miss dreaming. And I’m truley fed up with reality. I know that I can’t do something dramatic right now to fix this and would only have to live the days in the same fashion. Dreaming now remains but a an accidental phenomenon. I woke up this morning and took the book I bought last night to the park bench. All I carried along was a new umbrella. I moved around the park for a while but settled on the bench I so strangley prefered on my every visit to the park. I wondered, looking at the flock of pigeons if they too had their favorite bench in the park.
I had just started to read the book that I saw the swarm of wings suddenly taking off in the air like a shawl raised in the air with the wind and then suddenly gliding down in pieces and threads. It was beautiful. One of them shared my curiosiry and came very close to where I was seated. All of it was happening after a very long time. I could sense it. The little magic that I see now comes in portions that I miss for the laziness that has crept in. At a level I feel that its impossible for me to militarize it like my gym or a swimming class. To make it look like a little distraction from my everyday life. It has to somewhere be engrained in the life itself. I don’t want a holiday! I shall travel & write yet again, very soon!

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My ‘yellow’ dreams

I miss Rishikesh. I miss the misty mornings. I miss the feeling I had when I first saw the river. And then the anticipation of seeing the great body again.
The last time I visited the holy river was last year when I had gone to visit my maternal grandmother (we call her, ‘nani ma’ in India). Divya, my couisin didn’t tell me that I won’t be seeing her. She knew that I’d cancel my trip if I came to know about it.

I’m watching december boys right now. Having realized that my childhood was full of love, I could relate to the need of looking out for an unseen world.

Today when I miss the enthusiasm and the magic that I had out of a sheer mix of ignorance & imagination, I miss the passion of travelling. The bazaar by the river now looks like a small compound full of money making zealots. I remember out of a million things, the railway journeys, my pack of comics, an occasional sip of campa cola and hearing out my voice echoing when of school tempo passed through a hallway.
Yet, I still cried when I saw little misty’s curious eyes when he hears about being able to see the world over a little holiday, when he hears out the south pacific roaring out of his bedroom window the first night he comes to the holiday home. He certainly wasn’t aware that he had age to his side. It would be no fun looking at the world with a cynical eye view.

I hope to be able to stay a child, believe in my heroes, my dreams that are soaked in the morning mists in the mountains and the rocky moonlit nights in a jungle, my belief in a love that’s eternal and always enough! Amen!